After many months of \u2018will they?\u2019, \u2018won\u2019t they?\u2019, my cousin Dahlia has finally decided to get married. For most of our family this is the long-awaited signal for general rejoicing, but for me it\u2019s the time to enter a state of encroaching gloom. Not because of the people involved\u2014he seems a nice enough guy and she\u2019s very happy\u2014but only because of the wedding event itself. I should explain\u2026 Over the last 5 years Dahlia has become progressively green and liberally argumentative while he\u2019s the leading blogger for hashtag #PlanetEarth. I believe I can therefore forecast their wedding plans with 100% accuracy\u2026<\/p>\n
Let me start with the pre-invitation messages from all of their several hundred Facebook \u2018Friends\u2019. I say \u2018Friends\u2019 advisedly because she hasn\u2019t met many of them. He probably imported most of them from an anonymous online Russian wedding list as they\u2019re simply fake digital links to boost their \u2018Likes\u2019 ratings and approvals. Over months, this will grow into a self-congratulatory Facebook Timeline of \u2018Our Wedding\u2019\u2014an avalanche of digital drivel in which both can wallow in a fuzzy warmth of anticipation.<\/p>\n
Next, I might receive an actual written invitation\u2014well, not actually hand written of course. It\u2019ll be to \u2018Our Dear Uncle\u2019 on recycled brown rice paper using that flaky \u2018Blue Romance\u2019 font on iPads, and printed with acid-free \u2018be kind to squid\u2019 computer ink. Yes, I\u2019m sure you can tell how I feel about it all\u2026<\/p>\n
Dahlia\u2019s dress will no doubt be a gown of organic canvas with natural non-toxic to bee dyes. It would be even more PC if she wore her mother\u2019s old wedding dress (good recycling) but I read on Twitter (#WeddingMum) that it\u2019s got loads of plastic beads on it, so that\u2019s a non-starter! In fact, I can absolutely guarantee one thing about this forthcoming nuptial event: it will be the World\u2019s first 100% Plastic-Free Wedding. This is so important to both of them, it\u2019ll be printed on the invitation and re-Tweeted around their closed digital universe with a degree of smug satisfaction.<\/p>\n
Dahlia was never particularly religious but if she does get married in a church, it\u2019ll be to keep her mother happy. That\u2019s about the only thing her mum will be happy about\u2026 she certainly won\u2019t like some of the hymns (\u2018Women Of The World Unite\u2019) which will maybe be listed as \u2018Hers\u2019 rather than \u2018Hymns\u2019. I\u2019m not sure about the anthem sung by the imported Maori choir which is to be a choral adaptation of \u201c#MeToo\u201d, the musical. If the local vicar allows it, the address from that nice old Buddhist monk the couple met when back-packing in Nepal last year might be OK, although paying for his first-class air ticket and four-star hotel accommodation seems somewhat overly generous. But the last straw will be the appearance of the groom\u2019s hippy-haired older sister, a guitar toting ageing folk singer. She will no doubt \u2018sing\u2019 in a quavering sickly flat voice about Dolphins and Freedom in a vomit-inducing musical turn. I am reminded of a similar scene in \u2018Four Weddings and a Funeral\u2019\u2026<\/p>\n
Hopefully the confetti might be blown bubbles or recycled paper aeroplanes which would be original and fun, but I read it\u2019s going to be organic popcorn. Groan… At least hungry guests can nibble their confetti while they wait for the endless movies, galleries of digital photos, WhatsApp video calls and tweets being recorded on the glowing rows of iPhones\u2014before being despatched electronically worldwide.<\/p>\n
During the reception with tasteless vegan tofu canap\u00e9s and plates made of recyclable bamboo (only 2 years to grow in sustainable forests), the guests can sip their organic kiwi and pumpkin cordial from native pottery mugs (\u00a31 to charity for every fragile mug dropped and smashed). Naturally, the bride and groom will then depart on bicycles to save global energy, at which point guests can thankfully retire to a local bar and have a few real pints of ale instead of the ghastly organic mead (with aftertaste of synthetic cough syrup) which was the only alcohol served at the wedding.<\/p>\n
Yes, this is to be social recycling on a grand scale. The cake and food are made from reprocessed soya bean while the clothes and the decor are re-salvaged from second hand shops (which is definitely a Good Thing). All the flowers are potted plants to be taken home and enjoyed later. Everything can hopefully be reused. I hope for her sake, she doesn\u2019t take the reconditioning too far. She could take comfort from the fact that, if the marriage doesn\u2019t work out, she could recycle her entire wedding for another go. She could also try recycling her entire life.<\/p>\n
As you will have gathered, this is not an event I\u2019m looking forward to. But it\u2019s OK, because I won\u2019t be going. Since they\u2019re getting married in New Zealand, it\u2019s rather too far to go. And what\u2019s more, that\u2019s sufficiently far away for her not to be able to read this piece in the Marshwood Vale mag.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
After many months of \u2018will they?\u2019, \u2018won\u2019t they?\u2019, my cousin Dahlia has finally decided to get married. For most of our family this is the long-awaited signal for general rejoicing, but for me it\u2019s the time to enter a state of encroaching gloom. Not because of the people involved\u2014he seems a nice enough guy and […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":3634,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"cybocfi_hide_featured_image":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[46],"tags":[32],"class_list":["post-3633","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-laterally-speaking","tag-humphrey-walwyn"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.marshwoodlife.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3633","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.marshwoodlife.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.marshwoodlife.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.marshwoodlife.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.marshwoodlife.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3633"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/www.marshwoodlife.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3633\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.marshwoodlife.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/3634"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.marshwoodlife.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3633"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.marshwoodlife.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3633"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.marshwoodlife.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3633"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}