I\u2019ve been reading about the strange goings-on at Esh Parish Council in Durham. Apparently, one councillor has been reprimanded for wearing \u2018aggressive and intimidating\u2019 trousers to a council meeting. The afore-mentioned trousers are of a mottled green camouflage pattern\u2014passively informal from a military perspective, but I should have thought not actively aggressive like getting up to physically bite other council members on the leg! The trousers\u2019 occupant (if such be the right word) says he owns 41 pairs of the things\u2014all in a camouflage design\u2014and he never wears anything else except at funerals. In which case, I\u2019m not sure what the fuss is all about since he\u2019s obviously so well camouflaged every normal day that he must be invisible to most complainers\u2026\u00a0 However, they are obviously not smart enough for wearing in polite Esh society and eight other councillors have recently resigned in protest, so the aggression has turned itself into all-out war.<\/p>\n
This is now causing me considerable anxiety. On looking through my wardrobe I find several items that I would consider to be equally violent or at least mildly hostile. I am worried that I might be arrested for wearing them down Lyme Regis high street or at the bank in Bridport. Sheltering on a hanger behind my dark blue corduroys and faded 60\u2019s style jeans are a pair of orangey-yellow moleskin chinos. I have never dared to wear them for fear of my being mistaken for a streak of custard and I once bought them in Florida in 1980 after consuming too many margaritas for lunch. This was so long ago, I\u2019m sure they won\u2019t fit me anymore, so out they go\u2026 And while I\u2019m about it, I\u2019d better throw away my red suede slacks\u2014not so much red as a violent horror film blood-soaked scarlet. Aggressive? You betcha… In Your Face Red. Put these on and you\u2019ll feel like Rambo in a porcelain fine china factory\u2014not just mad bull, but a third world war with legs or Armageddon with pockets. Wearing them, I wouldn\u2019t be arrested: I\u2019d be shot with a tranquiliser dart and carried to Bristol Zoo to humanely recover like an escaped gorilla.<\/p>\n
I think clothing should be classified by volume. Not by volume meaning mass or largeness, but volume meaning loudness or noise. I have several pairs of Christmas present socks that I would classify as not merely loud but piercingly strident or even shrill. Passers-by cover their ears and eyes when I let slip a flash of them over my sneakers. Small children are shielded by their parents: \u201cCome away Henry\u201d, says the worried guardian, \u201cThat man\u2019s got dangerous socks!\u201d I also have a booming fluoro-green sweater (slightly mothy) and a couple of florid waistcoats that really should not be allowed out in public, so they\u2019re all going in the charity bag today.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m not the only one with aggressive clothing. People who play golf and (more particularly) Americans who play golf often wear trousers that shout loudly at you whenever they approach the green (see the picture). I\u2019m not entirely sure why they do this. Perhaps it\u2019s a winning tactic to intimidate the opposition and deafen him\/her with a blast of 124 decibel golf pants. It might be bravado like \u2018Look At Me, I\u2019m The Best\u2019 or a jarring blast of vulgar plumage on a big green and blue parrot. This is Nature\u2019s way of warning off the competition. Once spotted, never forgotten\u2026 you\u2019ll need ear plugs as well as dark glasses to deaden the noise, but you\u2019ll look even more of a prat when you go into the water on the fifteenth.<\/p>\n
Of course, if you want to avoid attention you can simply drift past whisper-quiet in a subtle symphony of cool grey and cream. You can then be a noiseless member of society. Pale blue with faint Val Doonican drab diamonds is about as quiet as you can get\u2014almost inaudible. That\u2019s no doubt why they call it the silent majority.<\/p>\n
But even if you wish to be nice and quiet so you can safely graze in the romantic council offices of Esh, you can still be a part-time rebel. Carrying a shrieking scarlet handkerchief well hidden in your pocket is just like having a secret 200 DB sound system concealed in a Mini. You may not ever produce it or use it, but the fact that you know it\u2019s there can make you smile with a secret squirrel type smile all day. Take out your loud hanky and wave it about in the middle of Waitrose for a couple of seconds and you\u2019ll see grown men faint near the \u2018ready meals\u2019 section. Mums and young kids may cry out in alarm and cover their ears (the men\u2019s ears of course). Warning: You might be acting in too aggressive a manner, and if so, put it back in your pocket and carry on shopping as if nothing had happened. If questioned by shop staff, deny everything.<\/p>\n
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I\u2019ve been reading about the strange goings-on at Esh Parish Council in Durham. Apparently, one councillor has been reprimanded for wearing \u2018aggressive and intimidating\u2019 trousers to a council meeting. The afore-mentioned trousers are of a mottled green camouflage pattern\u2014passively informal from a military perspective, but I should have thought not actively aggressive like getting up […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":3022,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"cybocfi_hide_featured_image":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[46],"tags":[32],"class_list":["post-3021","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-laterally-speaking","tag-humphrey-walwyn"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.marshwoodlife.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3021","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.marshwoodlife.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.marshwoodlife.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.marshwoodlife.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.marshwoodlife.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3021"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/www.marshwoodlife.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3021\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.marshwoodlife.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3021"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.marshwoodlife.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3021"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.marshwoodlife.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3021"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}