It\u2019s that time of year when many of us traditionally make summer holiday plans. You can either do this online or offline. The offline method (the old traditional way) involves a weekend wading through several trees worth of colourful travel brochures\u2014all of them brimming with smiling faces, sun drenched beaches and couples holding hands in front of the Eiffel Tower or the Taj Mahal (no, not the high street restaurant but the real one in India). In fact, so much paper is dedicated to advertising summer breaks that it\u2019s a wonder there are any trees left for us to see when holidaying in some parts of the world. Not so romantic I agree, but it might be more realistic if photos featured a forest of tree stumps above a beautiful Norwegian fjord. I suppose downtown Budapest wouldn\u2019t look quite so attractive if half obscured by a chlorine belching pulp mill. Perhaps Salzburg will include a musically themed tour of a log mountain entitled \u2018The Sound of Sawing\u2019\u2026<\/p>\n
Of course, nowadays it\u2019s much more convenient (and much nicer to the trees) to search for your holidays online, so last weekend I googled and goggled at hundreds of WebPages and I became so confused by the huge choice that I gave up and took myself out to Sunday lunch. Over ham and eggs, I read the Sunday papers which of course included five tons of wood pulp converted to glossy pics of Bermuda, Barcelona, Bangkok and\u00a0 Brighton\u2014all of which rather defeated my honourable effort to \u2018save our trees\u2019.<\/p>\n
I decided that\u2014rather than lie flat on a beach and turn myself into a charred chunk of French toast\u2014I might be noble and actually try to achieve something for a change. After all, on holiday you\u2019ve got lots of time to relax and be creative, so why not have a break, get a bit of a suntan and return home speaking basic Chinese? You don\u2019t have to go all the way to China. Take an activity break to Miami or Manchester and they\u2019ll give you good Cantonese food, tell you a bit about Ming vases and the Great Wall and then teach you some choice phrases to impress your friends the next time you visit your local Chinese restaurant. Mind you, there\u2019s no guarantee the waitress will be able to understand you because she\u2019s just arrived from Poland, but you\u2019ll still feel superior. And rightly so.<\/p>\n
Themed holidays are all the rage. Whatever you\u2019d like to do at home, you can probably now do it while catching some rays virtually anywhere in the world. You can go on painting holidays, history tours, cake bakery breaks or fishing, walking, racing, sky-diving or golf holidays. In fact, there are so many golf holiday breaks available in every country (yes, even North Korea) that you\u2019d have to combine golf with basket weaving in the morning, ballroom dancing after lunch and then a bit of kung fu followed by belly dancing after dinner. And then after four hours\u2019 sleep, there\u2019s pre-breakfast scuba diving at dawn. At least you could look forward to coming back home again to relax!<\/p>\n
If all of that sounds too energetic, you obviously need to improve your fitness levels. You can choose from hundreds of Spa and Wellness breaks… they\u2019re everywhere. You can detox in Dartmouth and Dagenham. You can wallow in Wellness in Totnes and Taunton.<\/p>\n
Incidentally, \u2018Wellness\u2019 is a strange new age word\u2026 I suppose it\u2019s the opposite of Illness? Or does it involve descending into a dark hole in the ground? Perhaps both. Anyway, Wellness holidays involve meditation, massage, yoga instruction, aromatherapy and body scrubbing as well as gym and light jogging duties and\u2014of course\u2014a strict diet routine.<\/p>\n
You see, I was more or less OK up till that last bit. What is the point in going on holiday to enjoy yourself and feel better and then not being able to at least have a good steak in the evening and a glass of wine? A couple of lettuce leaves just won\u2019t cut it for me. You might as well go on a prison camp holiday\u2014hard labour followed by stale bread and water for lunch. And yes\u2026 this is also available as a themed holiday for real in Latvia featuring Soviet uniformed prison guards, a stone cold cell with iron bars plus warning gunfire and cries of despair from fellow inmates. All for just \u00a312.50 a night. Torture is extra.<\/p>\n
\u2018Sounds like excellent value! Don\u2019t all rush\u2014there\u2019s a waiting list to get in\u2026<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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