As I write, Christmas is fast approaching and it\u2019s time once again for all those seasonal gift offers and leaflets to come flooding into our homes\u2014offers galore to buy loads of cheap Xmas tat that you never knew you needed until someone wrote you an email or squeezed a brochure through your letter box telling you all about this \u2018new super scam\u2019 product. A couple of years ago, I wrote an article suggesting some unusual but imaginary gifts that might have been successful (\u2018Meercat door knobs\u2019 or \u2018Xmas decorations for cows\u2019), but unfortunately none of these were ever taken up by manufacturers. I feel this was a wasted opportunity, so I\u2019m going to try again with another list of lateral gift suggestions since the world is facing a new set of topical issues and environmental questions that need urgent answers. Here\u2019s my 2015 list of items I\u2019d like to buy if anyone made them available.
\nR3\u2014the Rubbish Recycling Robot
\nProbably the single most important domestic appliance ever\u2026 but nobody has yet invented it. I don\u2019t know about you, but much of my kitchen time is now spent sorting out the plastic cling film from the haddock-soaked paper wrapping and putting 200 day old tomatoes into the special \u2018food waste caddy\u2019 while also removing the tin foil to the recycling bin from the very dead chicken carcass which will continue to fill the kitchen with noxious odours until next Wednesday when it gets picked up. This is such an important subject that I\u2019m going to write a complete article about it in the New Year. Modern life revolves around a new set of vital daily decisions\u2026 should I wash out this smelly empty bag of frozen chips before placing it in the recycling container? Or does it go into the \u2018good for nothing but landfill\u2019 rubbish box because it contains 25% polystyrene? And if so, which 25% goes where?
\nYou need (perhaps we all need) R3\u2014this wonderful new robot device that looks like a washing machine and immediately solves all of these questions for you. You simply load everything into the big hole in the front – dirty paper plates, smelly nappies, half empty tins of dog food, plastic detergent bottles, polythene tubs of stinky smoked mackerel pate, out of date \u2018eat by\u2019 ketchup in a glass bottle and a seemingly endless load of plastic trays which may have once held meat, fruit or veg (impossible to tell except by smell). Within ten minutes, it\u2019s all sorted into four different piles of waste. Voila! I want one of these very badly, but I fear it might be quite expensive.
\nDataSpray\u2014\u2018Broadband in a Can\u2019
\nDo you enjoy the promised umpteen megabits of broadband or do you (like so many others) struggle to stay online as a mere trickle of bits and bytes crawls down your fibre or copper pipe? How many times do you manage to catch the first 10 minutes of your favourite BBC iPlayer programme, only to find your stream suddenly reduced to a slow moving sludge of data when schools break up at 4pm? The slow rotating \u2018circle of death\u2019 revolves at the centre of your screen as your laptop or mobile phone tries desperately to catch just one more frame of video. But no \u2013 you\u2019re doomed to a digital drought unless, that is, you\u2019ve bought a tin of \u2018Broadband in a can\u2019!
\nWhen data gets sticky, just one short spray of purified data from this aerosol can will clear the air and restore your download for about 3 minutes so you get to see who\u2019s been fired in The Apprentice! Warning: it can get very expensive as you will have to use a dozen cans or more if you watch a whole episode, but\u2014hey\u2014sometimes all you need is a short but vital burst of clear video to prevent unnecessary worry and sleepless nights.
\nDevon-in-a-box\u2014\u2018You can get it to them if they can\u2019t get to you\u2019
\nThe ultimate gift for those London and urban based old friends and relatives who \u2013 despite telling you so many times that they would love to come down and see you in \u2018darkest\u2019 Devon\u2014never seem to be able to find the time to actually do so. Their loss, of course, but it would still be nice to stay in touch with them even if they are possibly now so stuck-up and city orientated they are almost on a different planet. Hence the perfect gift to send them this Christmas: Devon-in-a-box. Containing freeze-dried scones, cream and strawberries plus some replica ammonites from Seaton, a token slice of dried Dartmoor and some slightly risqu\u00e9 postcards from Budleigh Salterton, this superb collection will show your friends just what they\u2019ve been missing all these years\u2026
\nThe iPhoney\u2014\u2018If you can\u2019t make it, you can fake it\u2019!
\nAre you embarrassed to show your friends how out of date and uncool you really are? For just a fiver, you can buy this upgrade pack of plastic bits and pieces from iPhoney. Insert the new back onto your existing android or old Apple phone and stick on the logos, plastic facia and buttons. Your phone will then look just like a brand shiny new iPhone 6S\u2014the latest and greatest iPhone, so you can show off to everyone. Don\u2019t be a digital dinosaur! Get an iPhoney quick before Apple wakes up to this scam and sues you for copyright infringement!
\nPacket of Wind-Farm Seeds\u2014\u2018Home Grown Power from the Soil\u2019
\nProduced with over 40 years of extensive research and genetic modification, these simple lettuce seeds have been transformed into tiny energy production units. Plant them in rows 10cms apart at the bottom of your garden and, within only 4 months, they will grow into a complete miniature wind farm capable of generating 10 million watts per square metre (see picture). No public outcry until they are fully grown by which time it\u2019ll be too late for anyone to do anything about it and you\u2019ll be supplying half of Crewkerne\u2019s electrical needs. Please note that if rabbits are allowed access to your modified crop, power generation will be lower than previously advertised.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
As I write, Christmas is fast approaching and it\u2019s time once again for all those seasonal gift offers and leaflets to come flooding into our homes\u2014offers galore to buy loads of cheap Xmas tat that you never knew you needed until someone wrote you an email or squeezed a brochure through your letter box telling […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":2487,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"cybocfi_hide_featured_image":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2486","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.marshwoodlife.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2486","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.marshwoodlife.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.marshwoodlife.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.marshwoodlife.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.marshwoodlife.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2486"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/www.marshwoodlife.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2486\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.marshwoodlife.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2486"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.marshwoodlife.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2486"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.marshwoodlife.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2486"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}