{"id":2306,"date":"2015-07-24T11:57:14","date_gmt":"2015-07-24T10:57:14","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.marshwoodvale.com\/?p=2306"},"modified":"2015-07-24T11:57:14","modified_gmt":"2015-07-24T10:57:14","slug":"laterally-speaking-up-up-and-away","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.marshwoodlife.com\/test\/laterally-speaking-up-up-and-away\/","title":{"rendered":"Laterally Speaking – Up, Up and Away"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"airPassengersAntique\"It\u2019s been quite a time since I last braved the airways to take a short summer break. I\u2019ve always tried to avoid flying anywhere during July and August because so many millions of others have the same idea. After I once flew to the Mediterranean during school holidays (with flight delayed for 4 hours and airport overflowing with blocked loos, bloated travellers and screaming children), I swore I would keep my feet firmly on the ground in future and take all summer hols nearer to home. But last month, before our summer properly took off, I took a little flight to the Med to see if it\u2019s still as bad as I remembered. So if you and your family are planning to jet off to somewhere warm over the next few weeks, here\u2019s some hopefully useful advice for bucket travel in 2015.<\/p>\n

The first thing I noticed was that aircraft seats have changed. Either that, or my body has. Perhaps my back has swollen over the years and my legs have grown six inches. I thought that people tend to shrink the older they get, but obviously air travel makes them expand. I wiggle a bit to my left, wait for five seconds and then jiggle my bottom down a bit more, but it\u2019s still no good\u2014the small of my back feels like it\u2019s going to take off by itself. It\u2019s so uncomfortable I could scream. Waggle an inch to the right and then\u2014Bang\u2014the chair in front reclines straight back into my face spilling scalding coffee all down my new \u2018Mister Kool\u2019 holiday shorts. I\u2019m English so I suffer the third degree burns to my right thigh in dignified silence. If you were driving, you\u2019d first look in the mirror before you reversed, wouldn\u2019t you? So why does anyone feel they have a God given right to tilt their chair without thinking of the person behind? That\u2019s my first piece of advice: wear skateboard knee pads and lock your legs firmly behind the seat in front to block any backwards movement. You might arrive with leg cramp and bruised knees but your only pair of shorts would be free of unsightly, permanently marked and \u201chard to explain away\u201d brown stains for the week.<\/p>\n

If at all possible, never sit anywhere near young children on the aircraft. I\u2019m normally quite a nice guy, but I\u2019d happily strangle the two kids behind me when they kick, kick, kickety-kick the back of my seat. Not just once, but for most of the flight\u2014obviously some sort of game and I\u2019m the unwilling football. I\u2019m under personal attack from the front and now the back. And the worst part? The parents do absolutely nothing about it. And when another little darling wails loudly for a good half hour (loud and long enough to even wake up the pilot), the parents sit there reading their Kindles and say nothing. Downright irresponsible \u2014downright rude! There should be a law punishing parents who don\u2019t or can\u2019t control their offspring. Dog owners get prosecuted if they don\u2019t restrain their animals, so why not adult humans and their kids? Offending grown-ups should be kept awake for a week being forced to watch endless kids daytime TV\u2014enough for them to either get the message or become permanent sleep deprived zombies.<\/p>\n

Of course, I could always recline my seat to punish the kickers behind me, but\u2014guess what\u2014my seat button doesn\u2019t work. Nor does my in-flight media centre. My video screen is cracked and my light switch illuminates the whole row but not my actual seat area. Oh no\u2026 I am obviously in the Seat Of Doom\u2026 Every aircraft has just one seat where nothing works and I\u2019m in it. Just my luck\u2014no chance of moving seats as the plane\u2019s completely full\u2014a sardine packed tin in the sky.<\/p>\n

In desperation I try rummaging through the back pocket of the seat in front. I might find some hidden treasure like a discarded lottery ticket which turns out to be worth several million or a \u2018Greek Bank Bail Card\u2019 for several billion which turns out to be worth nothing. Instead I find a wrinkled magazine with maps showing our intended route (that\u2019s for the optimist traveller of course), an innocent looking small brown paper bag (for the pessimist traveller) and a brochure selling me out of date Swiss chocolate or an airline branded Teddy Bear. Incidentally, do you know anyone who has ever bought one of these? If so, why did they? Would you buy a soft cuddly toy with TESCO or BOOTS or M&S embroidered on its bottom? No, nor would I, but obviously some people do\u2026<\/p>\n

However, look on the bright side. Of course it\u2019s all worth it when you finally get there. You\u2019ll have a lovely time on the Costa Brava even though your suitcases eventually turn up in Carlisle. And if it\u2019s all too much, then a holiday in Devon or Dorset would be just like being at home.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

It\u2019s been quite a time since I last braved the airways to take a short summer break. I\u2019ve always tried to avoid flying anywhere during July and August because so many millions of others have the same idea. After I once flew to the Mediterranean during school holidays (with flight delayed for 4 hours and […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"cybocfi_hide_featured_image":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[16,46],"tags":[32],"class_list":["post-2306","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","category-articles","category-laterally-speaking","tag-humphrey-walwyn"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.marshwoodlife.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2306","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.marshwoodlife.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.marshwoodlife.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.marshwoodlife.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.marshwoodlife.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2306"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/www.marshwoodlife.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2306\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.marshwoodlife.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2306"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.marshwoodlife.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2306"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.marshwoodlife.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2306"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}